What to Say to a Grieving Friend

Triggers grow when someone is experiencing grief. They have so many emotions and memories, it’s overwhelming. I regularly am asked what to say to someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one because of people’s concerns around saying the wrong thing or even saying anything at all. I also am in many social media groups where someone posts about losing a loved one. Inevitably, comments of condolence are added to the post and, more often than not, at least one comment unintentionally triggers an visceral reaction from the poster.

It’s hard. You want to comfort someone, but you don’t know what to say. Maybe you are worried you might not say the right thing. Or that there will be a lot of emotions in the response of the person you’re trying to comfort.

When in doubt, I start the conversation honestly by saying, “I’m here for you.” Then, once the conversation is started, it takes its own course and I focus on following my LPC guidelines.

• Listen. If you do not stop and listen to what your person is saying, you will limit your ability to respond in a meaningful way. So put down social media, pull to the side of the road, turn down the music, close your computer… do whatever you need to do to listen and listen well.

• Provide. Grief is a journey. It does not start or stop with a conversation. Provide sensitivity, support, and space. Give your person opportunities to decompress, express their emotions, and manage self-care without being in their business all the time.

• Check In. Schedule time in your calendar to check in with your person. Make it so you check in on random days and on days of importance, like birthdays, anniversaries, and remembrance days.

When using this, don’t forget to follow through. A lot of people offer things; it’s the ones who action on asks who will have the big impacts. Be the impact and comfort your person needs in this world.